Saturday, February 07, 2004

Epimenides, Caribbean Rhinoceros Iguana and Tall Girls

I have had this conversation with my parents and some friends on a number of occasions and I think it is about time that I put my thoughts down in proper words with regard to this topic: What are the qualities a man is looking for in a woman? Or to be more precise: what are the qualities I would like the woman of my dreams to have? Before continuing please read the following note of caution/disclaimer or whatever you will like to call it:

* I might be the most undeserving man in this entire world and would probably never get the woman I desire (what the heck, after all the mistakes I have made I might not get a women at all). But then again I might be a very deserving man and should get an even better woman.
* For the love of God let it be clear that in no way do I intend to demean women. I have nothing but the utmost respect for the fairer sex. And inner beauty is always more important than external beauty.
* I am a very level headed guy. But if any comment of mine goes against your system of thoughts and beliefs then please think of me as a goof ball and forget the whole thing. I am a pacifist by choice (an extremist by intellect) and do not usually mouth any extreme views. The only extreme view I have is that all extremists are intellectually challenged (The previous statement is an example of an Epimenides Paradox which can be explained mathematically by Fuzzy Logic).
* This article is written with extreme seriousness.
* Though some views written here can be in general attributed to men at large, I beg you to not make any such generalization. So if I write that men usually like women who have forked tongues similar to a Caribbean Rhinoceros Iguana then read it as Anshumani likes women who have forked tongues similar to a Caribbean Rhinoceros Iguana (actually the iguana does not have a forked tongue, but that’s besides the point).
* If I am an egoist/egotist then this earth is flat.

I promised my mother that I will marry any girl who fulfils even half of the following criteria:

Physical Characteristics:

1) The girl has to be tall and by tall I mean she should have a height of at least 5 feet 6 inches (or 168 cm). I am 6 feet 2 inches tall. There is something about tall girls which totally turns me on (for more information you could ask Suds about what happened in IIMB ;-). Any way after spending time with short girls I start getting these paternal elder brotherly feelings for them. That cannot be good.
2) The girl should either have large black eyes or colored eyes.
3) Dimples look great on a girl.
4) Hair – any length as long as they are black and the girl isn’t bald.
5) She should be either very fair or should have a dusk complexion. No in-betweens.
6) Should have clean and beautiful feet (I have a thing for feet).

Other Characteristics:

1) The girl has to be a bibliophile or a film addict (I suffer from both these diseases; we will have tons to talk about).
2) Should have a distinct sense of style and grace about her. You may call it charisma.
3) Should not be to stressed out and overly ambitious about her career. I would like a woman whose first priority is family. Believe me when I say that my first priority is my family.
4) Should be a dreamer and should believe in fantasy and romance (I am not much of a romantic so she has to make up for the two of us). It would be great if she is a pathological liar like I am (likes to make up stories) and is mischievous and likes to play pranks. (Very few people can appreciate quality number 4)
5) Should take all decisions from her heart rather than her mind (I have a heart of stone and my analytical engineering mind is a useless bag of shit).
6) The girl should love walking because I go everywhere on my two legs.
7) Should be adventurous and ready to try out new things (don’t stretch your imaginations too far).
8) Should like food (eating obviously, cooking would be an added bonus).
9) Should like shopping (which girl doesn’t)
10) Should be a good singer or an excellent dancer. Nothing turns a man on like a diva dancing to salsa.
11) Should be creative (arts/literature/catching butterflies/sneezing non stop/ serial killing/blah/blah/blah).

Now there are perhaps another thousand things which I’ll notice in a girl but the above are more or less the first set of qualities I look for. I might never find a girl with the exact 17 qualities. I might find a girl with the exact opposite qualities and still fall in love with her. Only time will tell. For now my mom is happy that the list has been formally compiled. She has already started looking. I have six and a half more years to find myself a girl or I’ll have to marry the girl she finds for me (that wouldn’t be all that bad … it’s just that I don’t like arranged marriages). For now I am single and ready to mingle. So I take leave with these thoughts:

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
George Bernard Shaw

Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world or even with a little more care in this imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are married to.
J.R.R. Tolkien

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